


To Long, to Need, to Know

by snowkatze



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Insecurities, M/M, mentions of homophobia but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 08:00:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11331696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkatze/pseuds/snowkatze
Summary: Simon finds out that Baz is gay and in love with a boy. But why can’t he just let go of it?





	To Long, to Need, to Know

Baz was in love with a boy. Simon was very sure of it. It was of course because of his observative detective skills. Not because Baz had dropped a paper that told about his feelings in a bin. And Simon had read it. Well, at least not just. There had been a task in the english lesson that asked every student to write an essay about what they desired the most. Simon had obeserved that Baz had gotten really angry which Simon took as reason to find out what Baz was up to. He hadn’t expected a (actually really well written) poem about Baz’ feelings for a boy he couldn’t have. Simon felt a little bad for reading it and he knew he should leave it at that but thoughts kept racing through his head ever since he knew.

Maybe Baz had done it to confuse him. Maybe it had been his plan that Simon would read it and be intrigued by it. But what kind of weird plan was that?

So this was the reason why Baz had never had a girlfriend. But what boy was Baz in love with? Definitely a straight boy, otherwise there’d be no reason Baz couldn’t have him. Maybe Dev or Niall? It could be anyone in class. Maybe even someone Simon didn’t know.

_You should just forget about it. It’s not even important. And none of your business._

Simon’s mind kept reminding him of Baz’ lovelife. It made him mad. He couldn’t concentrate on anything else.

_But why? It doesn’t matter who Baz loves. It should be a relief, really. It means he isn’t in love with Agatha or Penny. Now that we’re not together anymore it wouldn’t be that important, but he’s still my enemy. I guess I’ll have to try to find out who it is. But the poem says that he’s been in love for years and he’s kept it a secret for so long. Probably nobody knows except for me. He has no one to talk to. And after all the years I didn’t notice a thing. Baz is horribly good at keeping secrets. It’s actually really sad. Maybe I should offer him an open ear? No, Baz would never want to talk to me about his problems. But was Baz really as sad as he had sounded? Maybe he will just tell me when he knows that I know. I’m going to talk to him, as soon as he comes back from the catacombs. He won’t attack me in our rooms._

 

When Baz came back into their room he expected Simon to be asleep. He was surprised to find him sitting on his bed. He wanted to ask whether everything was alright, but of course he couldn’t do that. He quickly went into the bathroom to change, hoping Simon would be asleep when he came back. He wasn’t. Baz wanted to ignore him and go to bed, but Simon wouldn’t let him.

‘Do you want to talk?’

'Fuck off, Snow.’

'Do you have a girlfriend?’

Baz froze. Why was Simon asking that? Why would he even wonder? Did he have a suspicion?

'None of your business.’

'But I’ve never seen you with a girl.’

'I don’t have time for this.’

Normally Simon was tired at this time of the night, but now that he got to ask Baz questions he was too exited to be sleepy.

'I read your text. You know, for the exercise in english yesterday.’

'What the fuck are you ta-’

Oh. _No. No dammit. If Simon knew he was gay it wouldn’t take him long to figure out who he was in love with. On the other hand – it was_ Simon _he was talking about. But why was he upset, then?_

_Of course. He probably hated him even more now._

'So what, now you want another room mate? Well, good luck with that.’

_It’s not like both of us have tried to get another room mate for years._

'What? No, that’s not-’

'Also just because I like boys it doesn’t mean I like _you._ You know I don’t. If it makes you feel better, you can just change in the bathroom. Oh wait – you do that already. So whatever the fuck your problem is – keep it away from me.’

_Great. That’s just great. Now he’s disgusted and living with him will be even worse. Why did it have to be him? And how does he see me now? It’s pathetic. A plotting gay vampire mage. Just_ great.

'Who is it?’  
'What?’

'Who’s the boy you’re in love with?’

Suddenly Simon appeared to be angry. Baz didn’t understand why.

'As if I’d tell _you_!’

'Come on!’

'No!’  
'I’ll tell your parents when you don’t answer me!’

'Why on earth would they believe you?’

'Er… I’ll tell the whole school about it!’

Simon _knew_ he was being a dick. But he couldn’t help it. He _needed_ to know. Something made his heart ache and he couldn’t help it.

Baz was realizing just now that this gave Simon power over him. If only he never had written that stupid paper…

'Fine…’ he growled. 'It’s Martin.’

'No it’s not! You’re lying.’

'No, i’m not. How would you know?’

'I can tell! We’ve lived together for almost eight years.’

_No no no. This is all going wrong. Simon can’t know. He can_ never _know. But it would be actually worse having the whole school knowing. And why not? It will gross Simon out, but why would that bother me? If Simon doesn’t tell anyone it doesn’t matter whether he knows. It will be humiliating but okay. And Simon usually keeps his promises. What other choice do I have?_

'Promise me you won’t tell anyone.’

'I promise.’

'Remember that you asked for it.’

Simon nodded and Baz looked him deep in the eyes, his gaze showing everything he felt.

'Simon…’ he whispered across the room. 'I’m in love with _you._ ’

And Simon knew it to be true. Suddenly Baz felt like crying and he wanted to turn away, but Simon did something that surprised them both: he came over to Baz.

'I’m sorry I wanted to blackmail you.’

He moved closer to him, so that he could see Baz’ dark eyes.

'I’m sorry you feel lonely.’

He tilted his head towards Baz’.

'I’m sorry you thought I didn’t love you back.’

Only in this second he realized that he did. He did love Baz. So he kissed him.

 

_So that’s why I couldn’t let it go. That’s why I_ needed _to know. The way I need to kiss him now._


End file.
